my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
