it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize