This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
