I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
