somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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