why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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