All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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