Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
why is half of my head shaved?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
