90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
