I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize