omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
