so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
