We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
