This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
