apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
