Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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