We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize