I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
