Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
