Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
