I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
