i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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