the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
