I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
