I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
