A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
