Don't you send me to vm
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
