The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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