Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
