plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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