I just threw up on my dentist
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
