I wish my penis had an off switch
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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