I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
