My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
