i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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