Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
bring money and cleavage
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
