Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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