my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
