remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
