my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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