Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
