I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
