someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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