There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
someone owes me an orgasm
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
