she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
