Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
