i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
