I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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