uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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