My underwear smells like fireworks.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
