Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
