Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
