i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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