when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
