I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize