Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
