you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
