come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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